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The Courage to Be Disliked

11 min read

Authors: Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga

summary

If I change, the world will change. No one else will change the world for me.

We are limited by our own lifestyles and worldviews which, contrary to popular messaging, can be changed with enough courage and awareness. Many problems arise from treating the subjective experience as objective.

In Adlerian psychology, there are two life objectives: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. These are supported by two psychological beliefs: “I have the ability” and “People are my comrades”. Adler places great emphasis on “community feeling” — all problems are interpersonal relationship problems.

To live in harmony with others, we must carry out the separation of tasks and view all relations as horizontal, or equal, rather than vertical, or hierarchical. Rather than interfering in other’s tasks, we should encourage them instead, and only focus on things that are within our own control.

We must set aside our egos and understand that feelings of inferiority or superiority are subjective, and that we determine our own value. If we live by the expectations of others, we are not truly living our own life. Thus, we must not chase after recognition and external validation. By gaining the courage to be disliked and differentiating our tasks in life from others’, we can attain true freedom. If we like ourselves, who cares if others don’t? Rather than focusing how others feel about us, which in itself is self-centered, we should instead shift our attention to how we feel toward others and how we can contribute to them as comrades and equals.

To feel at peace within a community (which is an inescapable part of the human experience), we must practice self-acceptance, confidence in others, and contribution to others. Self-acceptance fosters a growth mindset, while unconditional confidence in others deepens relationships. With this foundation, contribution to others is the key to our happiness and fulfillment.

It’s okay to be “normal”. With being “special” as an end goal, we live permanently “en route”. However, life is a series of moments that we live out as if we are dancing — the goal is the act itself, but we might arrive somewhere in the end, too. We determine our own meaning in life.

Adler’s ideas seem simple, so they may be hard to accept. The authors anticipated this, and thus wrote the book in a dialogue format. Despite being juvenile at times, the exchange is effective in dispelling counterarguments and doubts. Rather than psychology, Adler is viewed through the lens of philosophy. Though simple, the ideas are hard to live out — I’ve been coming to these realizations over the past year, yet still find myself falling into old, self-destructive thinking habits. I will keep practicing and reflecting so I can live out my most authentic self!

key concepts

  • Etiology: the study of causation
    • The psychology of possession
    • Determinism: focusing on past causes to explain current phenomena
  • Teleology: the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause
    • We react to events as a means to achieve a present goal
      • e.g. If we dislike person A, it’s not that we dislike them due to their negative qualities, but rather we set out with the goal of disliking them, and thus started looking for flaws to satisfy that goal
    • The psychology of use
  • Lifestyle: personality and disposition, tendencies of thought and action
  • Adler’s life objectives
    • Behavioral
      • To be self-reliant
      • To live in harmony with society
    • Psychological
      • “I have the ability”
      • “People are my comrades”
        • Life is not a competition
        • Horizontal relationships: everyone is equal but different
          • Encouragement
          • Gratitude
          • Respect
          • Joy
        • As opposed to vertical relationships, which are based on power hierarchies
          • Judgment
          • Praise and rebuke
  • Life tasks
    • Tasks of work
    • Tasks of friendship
    • Tasks of love
  • Life-lie: many complaints in life are actually excuses not to change or complete one’s life tasks
    • Apparent cause and effect: when someone is convinced of a serious causal relationship when there is none
      • “A is the situation, so B cannot be done”
    • e.g. A novelist is too busy to write novels, leaving the possibility “I can do it if I try” open and avoiding the potential for rejection
    • Pursuit of easy superiority: acting out for attention
  • Community feeling: a sense of belonging
    • Self-acceptance self-affirmation
      • Accepting “one’s incapable self” and adopting a growth mindset as opposed to delusion
      • Affirmative resignation: identifying what one can and cannot change
    • Confidence in others trust
      • Unconditional vs. conditional
      • The antonym of confidence is doubt
      • Unconditional confidence allows us to build deep relationships
    • Contribution to others
      • Self-acceptance and confidence in others are the foundation to finding joy within contribution
  • Life is a series of moments
    • Don’t spend your whole life en route (etiology, linear thinking)
      • This can lead us to postpone our lives (e.g. studying for an entrance exam in the distant future is a problem for later)
    • We can live only in the here and now
      • Live as if you are dancing: “the dancing itself is the goal, and no one is concerned with arriving somewhere by doing it”
    • Our lives are complete at every moment
  • Happiness and freedom are a choice
    • “Whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual”
  • “Someone has to start. Other people might not be cooperative, but that is not connected to you. My advice is this: You should start. With no regard to whether others are cooperative or not.”

notes

  • Based in Adlerian psychology

For a human being, the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself.

  • You are not defined by the past or external influences
    • Past events impact you based on the meaning you give them
      • Not “What happened?” but “How was it resolved?”
    • Changing one’s lifestyle and escaping one’s comfort zone into the unknown takes courage
      • Unhappiness is chosen over an alternative to protect oneself from the unpleasantness of change
      • “There is the anxiety generated by changing, and the disappointment attendant to not changing” (74).
    • We determine our own lives and are responsible for our own actions and reactions
  • Anger, when wielded, is a tool to achieve an end goal
    • There is a difference between personal grudges and righteous indignation
    • There are more effective communication methods than anger
      • In many cases, it is used to assert dominance over another, a display of power
  • Subjective views are chosen and can be changed
  • All problems are interpersonal relationship problems
    • Value is based on social context
    • Our “pursuit of superiority” causes feelings of inferiority
      • Can be wielded for striving and growth if you are comparing with only yourself
      • Feelings of inferiority arise due to one’s subjective value judgment of themselves in comparison to others
        • A sense of inferiority often stems from the fear of getting hurt
    • Complexes are abnormalities or extremes
      • An inferiority complex arises when one uses their sense of inferiority as an excuse
      • A superiority complex arises when one can no longer tolerate feelings of inferiority, and thus inflate their ego with borrowed power
  • Everyone is equal but different — all relationships are horizontal relationships
    • If one relationship in life is vertical, soon all will become vertical due to the mindset required for it, and vice versa
    • Do not praise or rebuke, as they are acts of passing subjective moral judgments on someone, forming a vertical relationship
      • Instead, show appreciation or communicate maturely as an equal
    • Start from zero: accept someone based on what they show you and add to that image rather than detracting points from an ideal
      • Constructing an ideal image and comparing someone against it is a form of judgment; the same applies to yourself
  • Don’t live to satisfy others’ expectations; in turn, don’t expect people to adhere to yours
    • Seeking recognition from others leads to living other people’s lives and losing oneself in the process
      • One desires recognition and praise in vertical relationships
        • One does not truly view others as equals
        • In other words, one does not view themselves as equal to others, either
  • Don’t complete other people’s tasks — always think, Whose task is this?
    • Interpersonal relationship troubles stem from intruding on others’ tasks or having one’s tasks intruded on
      • Meddling arises from the perception of vertical relations, where one thinks they are “right” and the other party is “wrong”
      • Instead, take the approach of encouragement, which empowers others to have the courage to face their own tasks
        • e.g. Telling a child you’re here for them if they need help studying as opposed to saying, “You have to study”
    • “forming good interpersonal relationships requires a certain degree of distance”

If it is a shallow relationship, when it falls apart the pain will be slight. And the joy that relationship brings each day will also be slight. It is precisely because one can gain the courage to enter into deeper relationships by having confidence in other that the joy of one’s interpersonal relations can grow, and one’s joy in life can grow, too.

Does one accept oneself on the level of acts, or on the level of being?

  • To achieve community feeling, one must practice self-acceptance, unconditional confidence in others, and contribution to others
    • Taking advantage is the other person’s task, and cutting them off is yours
    • Do not judge a whole by a part; do not meet one unkind person and think the world is cruel
  • Live in the present
    • If one can see the past and future too clearly, that means the spotlight on the present is not strong enough
  • Therapy and dialogue, psychology and philosophy, go hand in hand

thoughts

  • The book is written as a dialogue between a youth and a philosopher. I find this structure interesting because it mirrors Socratic dialogues and Zen kōans.
  • This book is particularly applicable to Asian societies and attitudes, where many are focused on honor, status, and conformity.
  • “Why do you dislike yourself? Why do you focus only on your shortcomings, and why have you decided to not start liking yourself? It’s because you are overly afraid of being disliked by other people and getting hurt in your interpersonal relationships” (93) → doing it to yourself before someone else can.
  • The author hasn’t mentioned severe depression or suicidal ideation so far. I wonder how these subjects are considered in Adlerian psychology. I can see how the title of the first part, “Deny Trauma”, could be controversial. It makes sense to me as a relatively mentally healthy individual, but I wonder if the concepts presented in this book can apply to extreme cases.
  • If my house burns down and I lose all my possessions, is that still an interpersonal relationship problem?
  • Similar to Don Quixote defining his own world. Usually, one obsessed with fiction would be obsessed with how others perceive them, but Don Quixote flips this notion on its head and is only preoccupied with how he views the world.

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