Author: Stephen R. Covey
notes
- To be proactive is to be alive — principles of personal vision
- Begin with the end in mind — principles of personal leadership
- Put first things first — principles of personal management
- Think win-win — principles of interpersonal leadership (Team leadership)
- Seek first to understand, then to be understood — principles of empathetic communication
- Synergize with others — principles of creative cooperation
- Sharpen the saw — principles of balanced self-renewal
thoughts
highlights
With No Deal as an option, you can honestly say, “I only want to go for Win/Win. I want to win, and I want you to win. I wouldn’t want to get my way and have you not feel good about it, because downstream it would eventually surface and create a withdrawal. On the other hand, I don’t think you would feel good if you got your way and I gave in. So let’s work for a Win/Win. Let’s really hammer it out. And if we can’t find it, then let’s agree that we won’t make a deal at all. It would be better not to deal than to live with a decision that wasn’t right for us both. Then maybe another time we might be able to get together.” — location: 3164
The basic task of leadership is to increase the standard of living and the quality of life for all stakeholders. — location: 3240
An agreement means very little in letter without the character and relationship base to sustain it in spirit. — location: 3320
When a boss becomes the first assistant to each of his subordinates, he can greatly increase his span of control. — location: 3406
So often the problem is in the system, not in the people. If you put good people in bad systems, you get bad results. You have to water the flowers you want to grow. — location: 3487
Win/Win is not a personality technique. It’s a total paradigm of human interaction. It comes from a character of integrity, maturity, and the Abundance Mentality. — location: 3516
This led me to a study of expectancy theory and self-fulfilling prophecies or the “Pygmalion effect,” and to a realization of how deeply imbedded our perceptions are. It taught me that we must look at the lens through which we see the world, as well as at the world we see, and that the lens itself shapes how we interpret the world. — location: 142
We began to realize that if we wanted to change the situation, we first had to change ourselves. And to change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions. — location: 149
Some of this literature acknowledged character as an ingredient of success, but tended to compartmentalize it rather than recognize it as foundational and catalytic. Reference to the Character Ethic became mostly lip service; the basic thrust was quick-fix influence techniques, power strategies, communication skills, and positive attitudes. — location: 175
“Search your own heart with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life.” — location: 203
Perhaps, in utilizing our human capacity to build on the foundation of generations before us, we have inadvertently become so focused on our own building that we have forgotten the foundation that holds it up; or in reaping for so long where we have not sown, perhaps we have forgotten the need to sow. — location: 213
what we are communicates far more eloquently than anything we say or do. — location: 236
The word paradigm comes from the Greek. It was originally a scientific term, and is more commonly used today to mean a model, theory, perception, assumption, or frame of reference. In the more general sense, it’s the way we “see” the world—not in terms of our visual sense of sight, but in terms of perceiving, understanding, interpreting. — location: 246
We see the world, not as it is, but as we are—or, as we are conditioned to see it. — location: 315
The term paradigm shift was introduced by Thomas Kuhn in his highly influential landmark book, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions. Kuhn shows how almost every significant breakthrough in the field of scientific endeavor is first a break with tradition, with old ways of thinking, with old paradigms. — location: 329
Our paradigms, correct or incorrect, are the sources of our attitudes and behaviors, and ultimately our relationships with others. — location: 345
Being is seeing in the human dimension. And what we see is highly interrelated to what we are. — location: 380
I think, therefore I am
While individuals may look at their own lives and interactions in terms of paradigms or maps emerging out of their experience and conditioning, these maps are not the territory. They are a “subjective reality,” only an attempt to describe the territory. — location: 411
Principles are not values. A gang of thieves can share values, but they are in violation of the fundamental principles we’re talking about. Principles are the territory. Values are maps. — location: 439
Today we come across an individual who behaves like an automaton, who does not know or understand himself, and the only person that he knows is the person that he is supposed to be, whose meaningless chatter has replaced communicative speech, whose synthetic smile has replaced genuine laughter, and whose sense of dull despair has taken the place of genuine pain. Two statements may be said concerning this individual. One is that he suffers from defects of spontaneity and individuality which may seem to be incurable. At the same time it may be said of him he does not differ essentially from the millions of the rest of us who walk upon this earth. — location: 456
Admission of ignorance is often the first step in our education. Thoreau taught, “How can we remember our ignorance, which our growth requires, when we are using our knowledge all the time?” — location: 477
But borrowing strength builds weakness. It builds weakness in the borrower because it reinforces dependence on external factors to get things done. It builds weakness in the person forced to acquiesce, stunting the development of independent reasoning, growth, and internal discipline. And finally, it builds weakness in the relationship. Fear replaces cooperation, and both people involved become more arbitrary and defensive. — location: 517
THE WAY WE SEE THE PROBLEM IS THE PROBLEM — location: 533
“Lift off” takes a tremendous effort, but once we break out of the gravity pull, our freedom takes on a whole new dimension. — location: 626
In the last analysis, as Marilyn Ferguson observed, “No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal.” — location: 852
Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground. There’s no greater investment. — location: 871
“That which we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly. It is dearness only which gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price on its goods.” — location: 873
Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose. — location: 944
But if we live like animals, out of our own instincts and conditioning and conditions, out of our collective memory, we too will be limited. — location: 952
Reactive people build their emotional lives around the behavior of others, empowering the weaknesses of other people to control them. — location: 974
The ability to subordinate an impulse to a value is the essence of the proactive person. — location: 975
“But how do you love when you don’t love?” “My friend, love is a verb. Love—the feeling—is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?” — location: 1115
In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. — location: 1118
By working on ourselves instead of worrying about conditions, we were able to influence the conditions. — location: 1146
Proactive people aren’t pushy. They’re smart, they’re value driven, they read reality, and they know what’s needed. — location: 1207
Make small commitments and keep them. Be a light, not a judge. Be a model, not a critic. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem. — location: 1292
We may be very busy, we may be very efficient, but we will also be truly effective only when we begin with the end in mind. — location: 1364
It’s a principle that all things are created twice, but not all first creations are by conscious design. In our personal lives, if we do not develop our own self-awareness and do not become responsible for first creations, we empower other people and circumstances outside our Circle of Influence to shape much of our lives by default. — location: 1394
“Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.” Management is efficiency in climbing the ladder of success; leadership determines whether the ladder is leaning against the right wall. — location: 1411
We are more in need of a vision or destination and a compass (a set of principles or directions) and less in need of a road map. We often don’t know what the terrain ahead will be like or what we will need to go through it; much will depend on our judgment at the time. But an inner compass will always give us direction. — location: 1421
Whatever is at the center of our life will be the source of our security, guidance, wisdom, and power. — location: 1567
Too many vacations that last too long, too many movies, too much TV, too much video game playing—too much undisciplined leisure time in which a person continually takes the course of least resistance gradually wastes a life. It ensures that a person’s capacities stay dormant, that talents remain undeveloped, that the mind and spirit become lethargic and that the heart is unfulfilled. — location: 1663
When people seriously undertake to identify what really matters most to them in their lives, what they really want to be and to do, they become very reverent. They start to think in larger terms than today and tomorrow. — location: 1897
I think TCOMC made me reflect on this subconsciously
But there is a real difference, all the difference in the world, in the effectiveness of a mission statement created by everyone involved in the organization and one written by a few top executives behind a mahogany wall. — location: 2091
Without involvement, there is no commitment. Mark it down, asterisk it, circle it, underline it. No involvement, no commitment. — location: 2098
“The successful person has the habit of doing the things failures don’t like to do,” he observed. “They don’t like doing them either necessarily. But their disliking is subordinated to the strength of their purpose.” — location: 2176
Organize and execute around priorities. — location: 2185
For a number of reasons, I won’t be participating myself, but I want you to know how much I appreciate your invitation.” — location: 2284
But you have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage—pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically—to say “no” to other things. — location: 2287
Keep in mind that you are always saying “no” to something. If it isn’t to the apparent, urgent things in your life, it is probably to the more fundamental, highly important things. Even when the urgent is good, the good can keep you from your best, keep you from your unique contribution, if you let it. — location: 2289
Most people say their main fault is a lack of discipline. On deeper thought, I believe that is not the case. The basic problem is that their priorities have not become deeply planted in their hearts and minds. — location: 2307
It’s almost impossible to say “no” to the popularity of Quadrant III or to the pleasure of escape to Quadrant IV if you don’t have a bigger “yes” burning inside. — location: 2319
Point out the potential failure paths, what not to do, but don’t tell them what to do. — location: 2548
The steward becomes his own boss, governed by a conscience that contains the commitment to agreed upon desired results. — location: 2629
Self-mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others. — location: 2689
Our tendency is to project out of our own autobiographies what we think other people want or need. We project our intentions on the behavior of others. We interpret what constitutes a deposit based on our own needs and desires, either now or when we were at a similar age or stage in life. If they don’t interpret our effort as a deposit, our tendency is to take it as a rejection of our well intentioned effort and to give up. — location: 2786
In relationships, the little things are the big things. — location: 2794
The little kindnesses and courtesies are so important. Small discourtesies, little unkindnesses, little forms of disrespect make large withdrawals. In relationships, the little things are the big things. — location: 2793
Honesty is telling the truth—in other words, conforming our words to reality. Integrity is conforming reality to our words—in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. — location: 2857
Leo Roskin taught, “It is the weak who are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.” — location: 2900
Sincere apologies make deposits; repeated apologies interpreted as insincere make withdrawals. — location: 2914
In other words, when we truly love others without condition, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity. Their natural growth process is encouraged. We make it easier for them to live the laws of life—cooperation, contribution, self-discipline, integrity—and to discover and live true to the highest and best within them. — location: 2920
Rebellion is a knot of the heart, not of the mind. The key is to make deposits—constant deposits of unconditional love. — location: 2929
Dag Hammarskjöld, past Secretary-General of the United Nations, once made a profound, far-reaching statement: “It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.” — location: 2952
how often do we diagnose before we prescribe in communication? — location: 3546
You may say you care about and appreciate me. I desperately want to believe that. But how can you appreciate me when you don’t even understand me? All I have are your words, and I can’t trust words. — location: 3579
Unless you’re influenced by my uniqueness, I’m not going to be influenced by your advice. — location: 3582
Satisfied needs do not motivate. It’s only the unsatisfied need that motivates. Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. — location: 3633
When it comes right down to it, other things being relatively equal, the human dynamic is more important than the technical dimensions of the deal. — location: 3653
The more deeply you understand other people, the more you will appreciate them, the more reverent you will feel about them. To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground. — location: 3945
Because they think Win/Win, they believe in a third alternative, a solution that is mutually beneficial and is better than what either of them originally proposed. — location: 4174
Buddhism calls this “the middle way.” Middle in this sense does not mean compromise; it means higher, like the apex of the triangle. — location: 4179
Instead of a transaction, it’s a transformation. They get what they both really want and build their relationship in the process. — location: 4194
Unity, or oneness, is complementariness, not sameness. — location: 4207
The essence of synergy is to value the differences. — location: 4208
It’s the most powerful socializing influence there is. And when we watch, we’re subject to all the values that are being taught through it. That can powerfully influence us in very subtle and imperceptible ways. — location: 4526
“I can see that we’re approaching this situation differently. Why don’t we agree to communicate until we can find a solution we both feel good about. Would you be willing to do that?” Most people would be willing to say “yes” to that. — location: 4576
Peace of mind comes when your life is in harmony with true principles and values and in no other way. — location: 4593
In the words of George Bernard Shaw, This is the true joy in life—that being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. That being a force of nature, instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die. For the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It’s a sort of splendid torch which I’ve got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. — location: 4604
Dag Hammarskjöld, You cannot play with the animal in you without becoming wholly animal, play with falsehood without forfeiting your right to truth, play with cruelty without losing your sensitivity of mind. He who wants to keep his garden tidy doesn’t reserve a plot for weeds. — location: 4719
We feel the key to staying in love is to talk, particularly about feelings. We try to communicate with each other several times every day, even when I’m traveling. It’s like coming into home base, which accesses all the happiness, security, and values it represents. — location: 4834